Saturday, May 26, 2012

Cellophane or Cellovain

Ageism does it exist or am I completely incompetent?

Time: 1985
Place: Mrs. Burkes kindergarten class

I am putting away my over sized men's dress shirt we use for painting when I overhear Mrs. Burke telling Heather F. about an upcoming beauty pageant. Heather has long wavy blonde hair, blue eyes and fair skin. She is lithe and beautiful, everything I am not. She responds with interest but not overly so. She is shy like myself. Speaking of myself I am seething with anger. Why isn't Mrs. Burke asking me about the pageant? Can't she see I am a future pop star/actress/artist? I am hurt, outraged and embarrassed. I realize for the first time that others might not see me as I see myself.

Present day:

None of us like to be overlooked and passed over. It sucks ;it knocks down the self esteem a few points.

Honestly until today I did not know I could be discriminated against for my age. I thought ageism did not start until you were in your 40's or older. I was wrong. I can't really go too much into the situation but I have been put in my place. I have a friend who is only a few years older than me who has gone through the same thing. She is smart, kind and a hard worker but has been overlooked as well. Maybe it isn't ageism but intelligentism? I am not sure but man I feel really old and useless right now. I was once accused of ageism at a job for not training someone on a project but it was a misunderstanding. This person not getting trained had nothing to do with her age but because I wanted her to continue with the work she was doing. I felt horrible that she thought that about me especially since that was not my intention. Maybe as we get older we can get overly sensitive. Maybe this comes from all the experience we have and we know we would be great at blah, blah, blah.  I thought all that hyper sensitivity from the teen years was over. I think it gets worse. The job market in the US is difficult and now I have a taste of just how hard it is for older people. I have known people in their fifties and forties struggling to find work. Are we too experienced? Hard to train? Too much drama? Is a young person with no experience and no brain easier to mold?

This latest failure hopefully will only motivate me more, make me set some goals and get off my arse. I have a lot of goals but not energy or motivation to see them out. I have craft, writing, fitness and tanning asspirations to attend to this summer. (yes I know I spelled aspirations wrong.)

I might momentarily be angry but the truth is this has been happening my whole life. I should be used to it.

Am I being vain to think I deserve something better? In some peoples eyes obviously I don't deser. My eyes are now set on a different horizon. One that doesn't make me feel like a loser who is stuck in a rut.  

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