Friday, January 21, 2011

Let It Go

Quotes from Eat Pray Love the movie and book. I have read and listened to the book multiple times. I saw the movie when it first came out and recently aquired it and watched it again. The movie is really speaking to me right now. Like really affecting me in a way it didn't when I first saw it. I want to stay at an ashram I do. I need to visit the Buddisht center in Salt Lake.


Send him light and love every time you think of him and drop it.

You're going to have to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes every day. Now that's a power that you can cultivate. You want to come here and you want to control your life so bad work on the mind, and I don't think you should be trying to control a thing because if you can't master your thoughts you are in trouble forever.

Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself.


This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...

(freaking wow, that last one blows my mind because it is true. Elizabeth Gilbert is amazing.)

Having a hard time letting go. I am holding on so tight..... I need to take this advice.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'll Wait

This is my only option. I may as well give up considering recent events.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Six things I am loving right now

1.United States of Tara

I love this show and I just finished season 2. I missed T this season she only came out once but the new alters were good and needed to move the story along. Long live Princess Valhalla Hawkwind! I can't wait for season 3.

2. Black Diamonds

I knew of their existence before Sex and the City 2 but the movie got me interested. I am obsessed and this is what I want in a ring. There is something just dark and subversive about a black diamond which is why I love them.

3. Alison Krauss

I am listening to her as I type. She is amazing and has a penchant for sad songs which I am partial to. I have been in a country mood lately and she is my current favorite. Whiskey Lullaby with Brad Paisley is the bestest, Ghost in this House is my second favorite.

4. Oranges

I can't get enough oranges right now. All that delicious vitamin C, it is like eating a ball of sunshine. I miss the sun I wish it could come back and melt all the snow.

5. Black Swan

OK so the movie is a little creepy but I love ballet and dance movies in general. Natalie Portman is amazing but too skinny. She looks realistic. I bet all those proana girls worship this film.

6. Grey and Black

I am so into clothes that are black and grey right now. If I could start over I would replace all my clothes and only wear those colors right now. I may change my mind when summer comes along.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Burn In Hell. I Wish...

Spanish Fork, 35°

This is where I am at and I hate it.

Anchorage, AK 3°

So it could be worse

Miami, FL 81°
Phoenix, AZ 79°
Mazatlan, Mexico 77°
Dubai, United Arab Emirates 74°

It could be better. That is all I am saying.

Pray for warmth.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Update #3

Not much to update sadly. Off track the past few days but will get my junk together again this week.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

New Favorite Song & Winter Loathing

This is my new favorite song. Absolutely. I have been in the mood for melancholy but this baby takes the cake.

I often hear things will get better blah blah blah. I have been waiting long enough. They have not gotten better. I do believe in love but that it will not happen for me. "With a note that said I'll love her till I die" Just saying.

On another note.

I hate hate hate the winter. I always have but it has been so cold this year. I can't take it anymore. I really can't. Every time I go outside to the ice my soul dies a little. I wasn't meant for this snow crap. I would gladly take 100 degree weather over 25 degree. I don't mind it being dark but dark and cold I don't like. I did lots of great things this summer in the dark. Ran through the sprinklers, picnics, great conversations all conducted in the dark. Ahh I miss this summer. A lot of good things happened and the sun was out.

Just had to get that out. Once March comes around and it warms up a little I am sure I will feel better until then I plan to hibernate.

9 13-9-19-19 19-15 13-21-3-8

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Pointless thought of the day

Why are all the wigs in the Twilight movies so bad? I hate it when I am watching a movie and can see the wig from a mile away.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Week 2 Recap: Vegetarianism & Gay Rights. Wait What?

This week went well. I wasn't perfect but who is. (There was some IN & OUT but I had the grilled cheese...and fries. Hey it could have been worse.) I feel I am making better food choices I just need to get the exercise thing going. I am proud of myself because this week was emotionally taxing. I mean really taxing. All the despondency I have felt melted away and out came the outrage and hurt and it was awful. It rained all week in my heart but now maybe the sun will come out. Some things were resolved (sort of) and I feel a little better. Usually when I am upset I eat and eat and eat and eat but this time I didn't. Gold star for me.

I am trying to limit the amount of meat I eat. I would like to go vegetarian and then vegan eventually. For now I am only going to eat meat once or twice a week. Mainly if I am at someone else's home for a meal or eating out. This has worked so far. When I tell people about this they have violent reactions:

You won't get enough protein!
You won't get any b vitamins!
You have to eat meat to lose weight!
There is nothing wrong with eating meat!
Well there is nothing wrong with meat but I don't want to eat it all the time. You would think I had brought up the topic of gay marriage. Such a firestorm. Crazy. Being the liberal I am I believe everyone should be free to eat what they want. Even the gays. Enjoy your steak I will eat some mushrooms. Grilled mushrooms are so delicious but then again so is steak.

You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.

Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or concieted
.It is never rude or selfish.
It does not take offence and is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins,but delights in the truth.
It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope,and to endure whatever comes.

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.” - Julia Roberts

And I am happy but that doesn't mean I don't hurt.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


While I say I have had a lack of motivatation I do have a purpose that motivates me. In the past my weight loss attempt have always been superficial.

I want to look cute in clothes

I want him to like me.

I want men in general to be attracted to me.

I want a better social life.

None of these has worked. While I love fashion it hasn't motivated me. Men. Not at all. I fear that based on my childhood experiences that I think men are not worth it. Because men are not worth it why should I stop eating Del Taco whenever I want, even breakfast. Social life. Ha. The last time I wanted more friends or to be more popular was high school. Lately I wish I would be left alone. Not that I hate people I just need some time to myself. Like 20 years. I want 20 years in the Dakota like the Hole song.

Yeah yeah I know that I should do it for my health and quality of life. Nope don't care much about that either.

I did find my reason. My purpose. It has kept me from cheating and eating fast food a few times this week. Too bad it took this long.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

First Update

Well this week didn't go awesome. I didn't exercise, I slept too much, ate too many cinnamon rolls and too much pizza. Some days this week I did awesome. I need to congratulate myself on the good days and not let the bad days ruin the whole week. Going out of town didn't help but I needed to get away.

I am trying to replace my usual work snacks with healthier options and no fast food.
Also drink less soda. That one has been going well.

I follow Chalene Johnson on facebook. She is amazing and very inspirational. She made a comment on not making goals but making promises. We are less likely to not break a promise versus a goal. I like that thought a lot. I guess I am making a promise to myself to improve my eating habits. I am starting slow because too much change has never worked in the past.

I am having a hard time getting motivated. I want to start an accountability group but hardly have the energy to do anything. I have a hard time just getting out of bed. Making conversation with others. Just everyday life is too much right now. Part of it could be that it is winter and I will blame it on that.

Emo Self Defense Kit

I am in dangerous territory. I search the internet for depressing quotes. I enjoy sad endings to movies and tv shows. Dollhouse season 2 finale comes to mind. Pretty messed up way to resolve a love story but I loved it. I listen to really depressing music. Bright eyes, and country. My current favorite song is by Alison Kraus (not sure if she wrote it) called Whiskey Lullaby. It is about a man who drinks himself to death because his love leaves him, after he dies she drinks herself to death.

I am in danger of turning emo if I am not already there.

I need some anti emo entertainment.

Maybe listen to some Beach Boys, and Michael Buble'

I could watch some really happy movies.

I could wear brighter colors.

I the services in Sunshine of the spotless mind were real. Where is Lacuna when you need them.

Any ideas because I need some cheering up.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I am BROKE and I am BACK

More interesting things to come but here is the brokeback cowboy-indian party I found in my cell at work today.