Monday, December 27, 2010


I want to start an accountability group. They are a new trend, they tend to be career related but I would like to start one for health related goals. Is this something other woman & men would be interested. There would be no charge to join.

We could have a monthly or weekly meeting or just meet online via facebook to discuss our goals. I think it would be a good way to get support and be accountable for what you do. And no costs. If a member wants to, they can put away 5 or ten dollars a week and when they reach their goal they can treat themselves to something special. Instead of paying weight watchers to monitor your weight you can pay yourself.

I am just looking for some feedback from others. Let me know what you think. Comment or send me a message via fb.

You can also email me at

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Songs I heart

New favorite song of the moment. Try by Melissa Polinar she is amazing and so talented. Plus Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses. One of the few Xmas songs I can stand.

oh and Happy Christmas!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Give up the ghost

It is time to give up the ghost. I really have to get motivated to lose weight this time.

I have some health issues which I would rather not get into . I have to give it up and make some changes. This realization of this is strange. I am a little scared at this prospect. I say I am up for change but when it comes down to it I guess I am not. It is hard to let an addiction go. It has been with me for a long time.

Because I don't want to join any of the popular companies to help me lose weight I am going to document it here. I need some kind of accountability. I think I am going to go vegetarian I go back and forth every once in a while. I plan to transition slowly to a mostly vegan diet.

My goal for the next week is to plan out my meals and watch portion sizes and only eat when I am hungry. Exercise for at least 20 minutes twice.

I will be back next week to follow up on how it went.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I don't miss you, I miss who I though you were.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

27 names for tears

BUFFY: (with contempt) But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles, men with your groping and spitting all groin no brain three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your ... sales!

I think there is beauty in everyone. Well most everyone. I can't even find someone attractive until I know their personality and sense of humor. The littlest things can make a person beautiful.

I would make a list but it just makes me sad.

I am tired of being a less than attractive girl. A girl who has close male friends who tell you all their secrets and who have a great time laughing with you but who go on to date someone or attempting to date someone who doesn't get them. But she is hot. I guess that is all that matters in the end.

I am tired of relationships that never go anywhere. I am reminded over and over that I am not good enough. Not good enough to be the girlfriend. Good to hang out, but not go out.

I am sick of it. Sick of it completely and I give up.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas present to myself

I usually buy myself something that I want for Xmas. There is no one to buy these things for me so I don't bother to even ask. I just get it for myself. I usually get myself something around Thanksgiving time, I am impatient.

This is how I acquired my ipod, and DS lite.

This year I bought the Nook Color. This is Barnes and Nobles touch screen book reader. It has some of the capabilities of the iPad without the price. I like the Nook so far. I haven't read a whole book cover to cover on it yet because I have lots of those old fashioned paper books to read still. It has a Pandora app on it that I love love love. And internet capability which is nice.

I guess I will have to read to a few books to see what I really think. The only thing I don't like so far is that I cannot bookmark my pdf books only the epub books. That is lame.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am going to join the circus.

It is obviously where I belong.

Bai Xishun- worlds tallest man

Terri Smith- 700 pounds

Rose Siggins- Only has her top half of her body

Christine Ray- Worlds smallest mom.

Lee Redmond- Longest fingernails

The man covered in tattoos to look like a reptile.

Grady Stiles- Lobster Boy

What do all these people have that I don't? They are all married or were married at one point. These people could be considered different and outside what is considered the norm in looks. They all found a mate. Why can't I? I must have some horrible flaw. When I find someone I can't seem to hold on long enough or I want what I can't have. When I say I am attracted to unavailable men I mean it. I could go into it but most of it is just best left alone.

When will it be my turn? When I lose weight? I don't know I see lots of big girls who have men and not all of them got fat after marriage.

Then again. If I don't join the circus I will just stay inside since I am too hideous to be seen in public or be photographed.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I am a Disney character.

Yes I am. I meet the main requirement. I am an orphan. Think about it. Almost every main character in a Disney cartoon since the beginning has been an orphan of sorts. They are missing at least one parent.

Little Mermaid
Snow White

I could go on and on. They are orphans (missing at least one parent) and they all face some kind of villain or obstacle. Only with me I am the obstacle. I am my own worst enemy. I am always lurking behind every corner making sure I don't get ahead that I am never happy. I go out of my way to sabotage myself. I need to find a way to escape. What would Belle do?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I see. If you lose someone you love...the other people in your life who care about you...become meaningless. -Giles

This is from Buffy. Giles is trying to get through to Willow who is on a killing ramage to avenger her slain girlfriend.

This quote comes to me because I have been ignoring others. I didn't "lose" someone I loved like Willow. I did lose something and I have let it get the better of me.

I have been stuck in a hole of sorts. I promise to try to find my way out but just let me feel what I am feeling right now. Repressing things never got me anywhere.

Friday, December 17, 2010


This is Bella. She is spoiled. She barks at people walking by, and cars passing by and the wind. She only wants to eat what you are eating. She has no interest in her food. She will steal gum out of your purse and chew it. She will chew up your markers. She brings in twigs and bugs from the yard to dirty up the living room. She doesn't always go outside to use the restroom. She needs to be petted an awful lot. She is pretty needy. This is something I have been accused of myself. I didn't like being called this so don't tell her.

She will be excited when her mommy Dorothy comes home.

She is despite all I have said a good companion. She does not judge and she will sit and watch TV with you. (as long as you pet her) I just wish I wasn't allergic to her.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Playlist for the week

1- I Think That I Would Die- Hole (angry song that relieves stress been using it as catharsis since 1995)
2-Dear John- Taylor Swift (the girl in the dress cried the whole way home gets me every time)
3-Last Kiss- Taylor Swift
4- The Perfect Fit- Dresden Dolls
5- Pretty Things- Tony Lucca (one of my fav songs ever)
6-The Last Day of Our Acquaintance- Sinead O'Connor
7- Everywhere I Go- Lissie
8- Afterglow- Vanessa Carlton
9- Glitter in the Air- Pink
10- It Doesn't Matter- Allison Kraus
11-All I Ever Wanted- Basshunter
12- No Matter What You Do- Benny Benassi

At least there is no John Mayer but then one of the songs is about him so I guess he made the list anyway. And yes most of these are sad songs. I can't even articulate my feelings right now. Am I sad, hurt, mad? Not sure or maybe all of them right now. As to why there is techno on the list, its complicated it reminds me of something that used to make me happy.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Adjective: In low spirits from loss of hope or courage

This is me.