Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Open letter to John "Sexual Napalm" Mayer

Dear John,

Your music is fine with me. I enjoy your albums as much as the next person enjoys saltine crackers when they are thirsty. You do play guitar well and you were really funny on Chappelle Show all those years ago. This letter is not about your professional career. It is about your love life. I am imploring you to stop dating all these Hollywood starlets. You are ruining them. You are turning them into dried up, unsuccessful spinsters.

Lets look at your past exploits.

First up is Jennifer Love Hewitt. She had a promising TV and music career until you had your way with her. What has happened to her? Besides that show about ghosts or something on the old people network what does she have going for her now? She goes on talk shows and talks about bedazzling her vajayjay. Plus she has a failed engagement to this guy:

Next up is Minka Kelly.

Who is she you ask? Exactly. You got to her before she could ride out her Friday Night Lights fame. Picture above is at the end of your relationship I am sure. You are checking out your next conquest.

Do I even need to address this one. What did you do to poor Jessica Simpson? Broke her heart that's what. I am sure if you had never gotten together she could have rebuilt her pop music career. Now she preforms at chili cook offs wearing mom jeans.

What I don't understand is why she was so mad at your comments about your sex life with her. I would love to have someone say: "Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say," he continues. "It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*****' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.'"you.'"

I dream of the day someone says that about me.

And worst of all is what you did to America's Sweetheart. She is a poor, bitter, sad woman who wanders the beach alone. She only has her dogs, super hot body and millions of dollars to comfort her. Why why did you ruin her? Why?

Last but not least is little Taylor Swift. Don't wrong this sweetie cause she will write a song about you as you have now learned. Her new album contains songs allegedly about Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, Kanye West, mean girls from junior high, a bad manicurist, and of coarse YOU Mr. Mayer. You broke our girls heart and she wrote an amazing song about it. So I guess something good came of this whole mess.

Please stop dating and become a monk or eunuch John. Womankind has seen enough of you.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

No more wallowing.

I need some major cheering up. I tried watching my favorite youtube video of people being owned by exercise balls but to no avail.

Any ideas?

I think I need to get out of this slump.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Down Fall Day 3

Nuclear fission and me

Atom: the name atom comes from the Greek "ἄτομος"—átomos (from α-, "un-" + τέμνω - temno, "to cut"[2]), which means uncuttable, or indivisible, something that cannot be divided further.

This is me. I cannot be divided further. I feel like my hopes have been shattered. A large hammer came down and smashed it all to pieces.

Atoms can be split and divided into smaller pieces. Hmm... maybe I am nuclear powered now. Or maybe I will just explode.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The downfall. Day 1....

I'm only happy when it rains.

I am usually pretty happy when it rains. The sounds of water like rain, waterfalls, bubbling streams usually makes me happy. Except maybe the sounds of water in the bathroom. Those don't quite do it for me. Usually rain lifts my spirits I get a little giddy. Today it has rained all day and it has done nothing for me. Not even on the drive to work with the little rain droplets hitting my windshield. All those little droplets of rain coming at me and I didn't even smile.

The reason behind this melancholy is because I dropped the stone. I have had a stone in my hand for months, this stone caused me happiness and joy. Worst of all it made me hope. Made me hope that things would get better. That things would work out for me.

As time went by I realized that this stone could not make me happy. It was the source of my happiness but it could never make me happy.

This last week I let the stone go. I dropped it into the ocean. I watched it descend into the depths of the water. Falling, falling slowly to the bottom. When it reached the bottom I lost hope. I feel empty. Dead. Incomplete. Like I have nothing left. I had to let it go because it was pointless. When is it going to work out for me? It seems like never sometimes.

So I will drift slowly slowly to the bottom. Watch me drown.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Nobel Prize Nominated Blog

I recently learned that nomination remain secret until you are dead or 50 years has passed. But I am telling the world yes I was nominated. It really spruces up those job interview.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A life less ordinary.

This is what I want. A life less ordinary. I have never wanted to lead a normal life but somehow I am just living a boring life. True this summer has been pretty good. I am trying to break out of my depressed rut that I have been in for quite a while. I am trying to be spontaneous and do new and fun things.

I want adventure and travel, not the house and nice furniture. I don't care if I am broke the rest of my life as long as I am fulfilled. Though I don't want a traditional life doesn't mean I want to spend it alone. I do want someone in my life but it seems I have the inability to make that happen. I have the market cornered on having half relationships and complicated friendships. I am sick of both.

Instead of worrying about finding a relationship I am going to let it find me. I am going to find adventure instead.

If anyone has any ideas on how to live a more fabulous, adventurous life I am all ears.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Why Oh Why???

Why am I so addicted to this show??? Why?
Let me count the ways that I love The Jersey Shore.....

5- They seem to forget that they are being filmed? How are you going to keep a secret if you are being filmed?? Duh!

4- Tans. I like a good tan and am jealous of everyone on the show and their leathery orange skin.

3- Fights. The fights on this show are great especially the girl on girl fights. "Hold my earrings"

2- Two words" T-shirt Time!!
1- The Lingo. Jersey Shore brings us these great additions to the English language:

GTL fresh to Death: Gym Tan Laundry something that needs to be done daily.

Grenade- Bigger ugly chick

Juicehead: Someone on steroids or someone who works out so much they look like they are on steroids

Gorilla: Same as above I guess

Smush: Doing it

Get It In: Doing it