Your music is fine with me. I enjoy your albums as much as the next person enjoys saltine crackers when they are thirsty. You do play guitar well and you were really funny on Chappelle Show all those years ago. This letter is not about your professional career. It is about your love life. I am imploring you to stop dating all these Hollywood starlets. You are ruining them. You are turning them into dried up, unsuccessful spinsters.
Lets look at your past exploits.
First up is Jennifer Love Hewitt. She had a promising TV and music career until you had your way with her. What has happened to her? Besides that show about ghosts or something on the old people network what does she have going for her now? She goes on talk shows and talks about bedazzling her vajayjay. Plus she has a failed engagement to this guy:
Next up is Minka Kelly.
Who is she you ask? Exactly. You got to her before she could ride out her Friday Night Lights fame. Picture above is at the end of your relationship I am sure. You are checking out your next conquest.
Do I even need to address this one. What did you do to poor Jessica Simpson? Broke her heart that's what. I am sure if you had never gotten together she could have rebuilt her pop music career. Now she preforms at chili cook offs wearing mom jeans.
What I don't understand is why she was so mad at your comments about your sex life with her. I would love to have someone say: "Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say," he continues. "It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*****' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.'"you.'"
I dream of the day someone says that about me.
And worst of all is what you did to America's Sweetheart. She is a poor, bitter, sad woman who wanders the beach alone. She only has her dogs, super hot body and millions of dollars to comfort her. Why why did you ruin her? Why?
Last but not least is little Taylor Swift. Don't wrong this sweetie cause she will write a song about you as you have now learned. Her new album contains songs allegedly about Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, Kanye West, mean girls from junior high, a bad manicurist, and of coarse YOU Mr. Mayer. You broke our girls heart and she wrote an amazing song about it. So I guess something good came of this whole mess.
Please stop dating and become a monk or eunuch John. Womankind has seen enough of you.